They Know You

The last time you made it to the adult service you tried to do the motions to Amazing Grace.

You were banned from the produce aisle of the local grocery store for singing the theme song to Veggie Tales.

Your summer begins when VBS ends.

Your version of Jesus’ first miracle has Him turning water into Kool Aid.

You once gave your spouse the quiet seat prize after dinner.

You rolled your eyes when the pastor told the congregation how much the choir members sacrifice to serve God.

You are starting to have meaningful conversations with your favorite puppet.

In the church foyer everyone runs when they see you coming for fear you’re trying to recruit them.

You’re afraid to close your eyes when you pray.

When people ask you how many children you have you tell them between 60 and 70.

You carry crackers in your pockets.

You have a helium tank in your office.

Your cracker and juice budget is bigger than your salary.

You buy everything in bulk.

You honesty believe you are only doing this temporarily until the church finds someone else.

You were stunned to learn that some scissors are pointed.

You once got stuck in the playground tube at McDonald’s.

You scotch-guarded your entire minivan.

The children’s workers are taking bets on how long you will last.

You once cut up your pajamas to build a flannel graph board.

You plan an event for 200 and 50 show up.

You plan an event for 50 and 200 show up.

You prefer a root canal to meeting with the church board.

You know how to pray for healing for dogs, cats and goldfish.

The Senior Pastor has forgotten your name.

You have forgotten the Senior Pastor’s name.

The church janitor won’t speak to you.

You understand the terms: tinkle, winkie tink, stinker, and TT

You’ve never heard a guest speaker at your church.

You went to a four star restaurant and requested animal crackers for dessert.

You once sat up straight in the middle of the night and yelled at the top of your lungs, “IS THE BIG SERVICE OUT YET?!!!!”